Once upon a time, I accidentally gave my email address to The Gap or Banana Republic or Old Navy or some other company vaguely related to those companies, and within a few days my entire inbox was full of really enthusiastic emails about sales and free shipping and new sweaters in stock. I enjoy shopping at all of these stores and do so frequently, but my god, if I wanted to actually read all the emails they send me I would have to quit my job. Sometimes I imagine replying to these emails and telling them how I really feel. This is what that conversation would look like…
Old Navy: We are having a 30% off sale right now!!!
Me: That’s awesome! Maybe I’ll stop by.
Old Navy: 30% OFF EVERYTHING. DON’T MISS OUT.
Me: Umm, OK, if I have time, I’ll check it out.
Old Navy: Only 3 hours left!
Me: Are you really going to do a countdown of the hours until–
Old Navy: 2 HOURS 59 MINUTES LEFT.
Me: Honestly?
Old Navy: Look at our cute sweaters! They are warm!
Me: I totally believe that. I own a few of them. But you’re kind of clogging up my inbox.
Old Navy: Only 2 hours and 57 minutes left to get a sweater on sale!!!!
Me: Listen. I like you, I really do, but this is just too much. I’d love to interact with you a couple times a week, keep things casual, you know? But I’m not ready for this kind of commitment.
Old Navy: Happy Groundhog Day! HALF PRICE CARGO PANTS.
Me: If you don’t give me some space I might have to … unsubscribe.
Old Navy: $5 OFF CLEARANCE!!!
Me: That’s just not good enough.
Old Navy: Free shipping?
Me: Yeah, yeah, on orders over $50. J.Crew already used that line on me.
Old Navy: Check out our maternity jeans!
Me: That’s it. We’re through.
Original by Winona Dimeo-Ediger
